Vladimir Putin makes “Vlad the Impaler,” aka Dracula, look like Mother Theresa. By the same token, considering Lindsey Graham captures the essence of twofaced toadies the world over, his recent tweeting about Putin’s sycophants killing the tyrant is the height of hypocrisy. Senator Graham kissed the former failed President’s ass so much, the Chapstix factory ran out of strawberry lip balm. By the way, I’ve been studying Vladimir Putin’s stoic face for several weeks. In my opinion, a tumbler of prune juice would end the invasion and suffering in Ukraine.
I had the honor and privilege of working alongside Christopher Plummer in the film, Dragnet. As it happens, there is a lot of “hurry-up and wait” in the movie-making business. It was a chilly night in Los Angeles and Christopher Plummer and yours truly stood on the sidelines waiting for the director to shout “Action!” While we were killing time, I told the consummate actor how much I enjoyed his work. I also mentioned that my day job (night job?) was doing standup comedy. He was kind and supportive and told me how much he enjoyed acting in comedies and working with Dan Aykroyd and Tom Hanks. Rest in Peace Christopher Plummer.
Along with the rusting zombie wandering the shadowy corridors of the White House, Governor Ron DeSantis of Florida is playing politics with American children’s lives. DeSantis, aka “Trump’s Mini-Me,” refuses to listen to reason. Medical professionals across the country and around the globe insist that opening schools before the pandemic is under control is tantamount to a death sentence for teachers and students. Even if children are able to fight off the deadly virus, they will, in fact, bring Covid 19 back to their folks, uncles, aunts, brothers, sisters, and grandparents. Stop the insanity. Vote.
In the midst of tumult and untold suffering, Americans are saddled with the biggest loser on Planet Earth since Adolph Hitler laid down his bucket of wallpaper paste and picked up a pencil to write Mein Kompf. If we weren’t actually living through this genuine Shakespearian tragedy, “Covid-19” would have made an entertaining motion picture or an eight-episode series on Netflix. In my opinion, there are only two reasons why anybody would be caught dead supporting this inept, ignorant, narcissistic, xenophobic, bigoted, reality host. Either your backing is being rewarded with cold hard cash or you are a racist. In either case, shame on you. Doubtless my words will fall on deaf Trumpeter ears, but without broadcasting my resistance, I run the risk of being complicit. Vote.
We begin with temporary President Trump’s disenfranchised supporters; millions of former republicans like Teddy Lipton, a door-to-door pillbox salesman from Boseman, Montana who recently turned in his GOP ID Card for a Dump Trump bumper sticker. “Until Trump came along,” Teddy told our reporters, “I was a perfectly happy racist, xenophobic, misogynistic, guy. Now, every time I see Donald on TV, I realize what a gigantic ass-face I’ve been my entire life.” I speak for all of humanity, Mr. Lipton, when I say Bravo and please stay on your meds. In a related story, at the recent confirmation hearings for Supreme Court Justice, a protester, Phyllis Sans-filter, stood up while Brett Kavanaugh was evading another question from Senator Harris and shouted: “I like salmon and so does my tabby, Mr. Whiskers.” It wasn’t clear why Phyllis interrupted the hearing; nonetheless, DC Police dragged her from the room, repeatedly slapping Sans-filter the way Moe smacked Larry and Curly in every Three Stooges film from 1937. This just in: It has been confirmed that Sara Schmuckabee Sanders is in fact a lying sack of horse apples … film at eleven.
We begin with Temporary President Trump’s approaching physical examination administered by his personal physician, Dr. Vinny Boom Bots. Doctor Boom Bots told our sources that he will be taking Trump’s temperature, examining his cholesterol, blood pressure, and checking to see if Mr. Trump in fact has a heart. The doctor added that he will not be checking Trump’s prostate during the examination. The doctor told reporters, and I quote: “The last time I checked Mr. Trump’s prostate, I lost a pair of latex gloves, two gold rings, and a Rolex watch my wife gave me for Christmas.” In a related story, Mr. Trump will be playing the part of Ebenezer Scrooge at the White House Christmas party. In Trump’s version of the Dickens’ tale, when Ebenezer Scrooge is visited by the three spirits played by Jared Kushner, Kellyanne Conway, and Sara Huckabee Sanders, he bashes their heads in with a fruitcake President Eisenhower left as a doorstop in 1952. Then, President Scrooge fires Bob Cratchit Mueller, pardons General Flynn, and takes away Tiny Tim’s health care and Timmy’s only remaining crutch. Without health care and his crutch, the sickly lad gets influenza and dies out in the cold. God help us, everyone. Film at eleven.
Our breaking news begins with former Trump campaign manager, and man who thought the term “Gag Order” meant Sergei Kislyac would perform the Heimlich Maneuver on him if he was choking on a Russian cabbage roll, Paul Manafort. It appears Mr. Manafort disregarded a court order concerning his current house arrest. Now, the former campaign manager faces real jail time before his trial begins for collusion and money laundering. Chief counsel, Robert Mueller, learned that Manafort contacted the Russian Intelligence Service last Friday and also visited a Krispy Cream Donut shop. Our Washington correspondent, Sharon Lynch, asked Manafort about his lapse in judgment. “I was going stir-crazy,” Manafort said, “locked up in these four walls.” Manafort’s four walls are in fact forty-seven walls surrounding a twenty thousand square foot home with a spa, indoor swimming pool, home theater, and a bowling alley. When pressed about contacting the Russians, Mr. Manafort added, “I only wanted to hear a friendly voice and send Vladimir a box of pastry.” In a related story, Bob Mueller revealed that temporary President Trump’s son-in-law, and man currently being fitted for a “Cool hand Luke designer striped suit,” Jared Kushner, directed former White House security adviser, Michael Flynn, to contact Russian officials before Trump’s inauguration. When our sources asked Kushner about the latest allegations, he broke down in tears and said: “Donald Jr. made me do it. It was Donny and my sneaky wife, Ivanka. They’re the guilty ones. I only wanted to visit Netanyahu in Israel and eat a potato knish.” This just in, the grifters are heading for the last roundup. Film at II.
Our sources learned that Alabama Senate contender, and man banned from the Gadsden Mall by Paul Blart Mall Cop, Judge Roy Bean Moore, has gone into hiding. The alleged child molester is taking cover in a replica of the rat hole where Sadam Hussain was discovered during the Iraq War. Moore told reporters, and I quote: “Down here in the rat hole, I’m just another dirt bag surrounded by actual dirt bags.” Unsurprisingly, Norwegian Rats living alongside Moore have been voluntarily eating poison and leaping into traps rather than share the space with him. In a breaking news story out of Washington, Donald Trump Jr. is only moments away from finding out what Justice Department handcuffs feel like when they’re tightening around his limp wrists. “If the feds get any closer,” Trump Jr. told reporters. “I’ll be joining Judge Moore in his cozy rat hole underground.” Adding to his statement, Donald Jr. said, and I quote: “I only colluded with the Russians because I’m a stupid douche bag like my father. Dad just wanted to build a hotel in Red Square and be the King of America, is that so bad?” This just in, after Sara Huckabee Sanders’ yearly White House physical, doctors revealed that in place of a heart, they discovered a jagged chunk of black coal. Film at eleven.
First daughter, and woman who has her high heels cobbled together by moppets in China, Ivanka Trump, recently weighed in on the sexual misconduct of Alabama’s Senate contender, Judge Roy Bean Moore. Taking to her twitter account, Ivanka said, and I quote: “There is a special place in hell for political figures who prey upon Children.” Ivanka neglected mention that normally that ranking is reserved for the clergy who pray for their parishioners while preying on their parishioner’s children. The first daughter also forgot to note that decent Americans have been in their own special hell since her father took office. In a related story, Jared Kushner is in hot water with the Department of Justice, accused of not disclosing his ties to WikiLeaks’s Julian Assange and the Russian connection. Once more, Ivanka chimed in on twitter, stating: “My husband may be guilty of a lot of things, including being a colossal dullard with a wretched sense of humor, having a grating high-pitched voice that sounds like Kermit the Frog on helium, and a total washout in the sack, but he’s too dimwitted to orchestrate treason against the United States; then again, I may be wrong.” This just in, clearly Ivanka is wrong. Film at eleven.
In the ongoing battle for the soul of America, the 84th Attorney General, and evil leprechaun who tries to steal the pot of gold at the end of a rainbow, Jeff “I don’t recall” Sessions, testified in front of the Congressional Judiciary Committee. Lacking the moral fiber to answer questions honestly, Sessions’ meandering tongue flip-flopped across his teeth and gums like the character, Tommy Two-Times, in the mob-classic, Goodfellas. When Senator Jackson Lee asked the Attorney General about his conversation with George “Spanakopita” Papadopoulos and the Russian connection, Mr. Sessions shifted from side to side as though he was sitting on a chair with a broken spring. Oddly enough, at the end of the inquiry, Sessions’ tiny pointy ears began fluttering like a guava bat racing from a cave in Peru and he sailed out the door. In a related story, Temporary President Trump’s first born male child, and man who has the kind of face that begs to be slapped, Donald Trump Jr., was caught lying to the FBI about his connection to Wikileaks and the Russians. When the Justice Department asked Trump Jr. why he lied, the President’s son appeared to have a nervous breakdown. Like a man suffering from Turrets syndrome, Donald Jr. shouted in a voice reminiscent of a gangster from an old timey film in the 1930’s. “O.K. G-Men, ya got me, yeah, see,” Junior bellowed. “I guess the fruit doesn’t fall far from the tree, yeah, see. I’m a lying piece of garbage; take me to the Big house.” While being led form the hearing, apparently Donny called out for his mommy. This just in, Tiffany Trump has been missing for three weeks and nobody cares. Film at eleven.