We begin with temporary President Trump’s disenfranchised supporters; millions of former republicans like Teddy Lipton, a door-to-door pillbox salesman from Boseman, Montana who recently turned in his GOP ID Card for a Dump Trump bumper sticker. “Until Trump came along,” Teddy told our reporters, “I was a perfectly happy racist, xenophobic, misogynistic, guy. Now, every time I see Donald on TV, I realize what a gigantic ass-face I’ve been my entire life.” I speak for all of humanity, Mr. Lipton, when I say Bravo and please stay on your meds. In a related story, at the recent confirmation hearings for Supreme Court Justice, a protester, Phyllis Sans-filter, stood up while Brett Kavanaugh was evading another question from Senator Harris and shouted: “I like salmon and so does my tabby, Mr. Whiskers.” It wasn’t clear why Phyllis interrupted the hearing; nonetheless, DC Police dragged her from the room, repeatedly slapping Sans-filter the way Moe smacked Larry and Curly in every Three Stooges film from 1937. This just in: It has been confirmed that Sara Schmuckabee Sanders is in fact a lying sack of horse apples … film at eleven.

We begin with Temporary President Trump’s approaching physical examination administered by his personal physician, Dr. Vinny Boom Bots. Doctor Boom Bots told our sources that he will be taking Trump’s temperature, examining his cholesterol, blood pressure, and checking to see if Mr. Trump in fact has a heart. The doctor added that he will not be checking Trump’s prostate during the examination. The doctor told reporters, and I quote: “The last time I checked Mr. Trump’s prostate, I lost a pair of latex gloves, two gold rings, and a Rolex watch my wife gave me for Christmas.” In a related story, Mr. Trump will be playing the part of Ebenezer Scrooge at the White House Christmas party. In Trump’s version of the Dickens’ tale, when Ebenezer Scrooge is visited by the three spirits played by Jared Kushner, Kellyanne Conway, and Sara Huckabee Sanders, he bashes their heads in with a fruitcake President Eisenhower left as a doorstop in 1952. Then, President Scrooge fires Bob Cratchit Mueller, pardons General Flynn, and takes away Tiny Tim’s health care and Timmy’s only remaining crutch. Without health care and his crutch, the sickly lad gets influenza and dies out in the cold. God help us, everyone. Film at eleven.

Our breaking news begins with former Trump campaign manager, and man who thought the term “Gag Order” meant Sergei Kislyac would perform the Heimlich Maneuver on him if he was choking on a Russian cabbage roll, Paul Manafort. It appears Mr. Manafort disregarded a court order concerning his current house arrest. Now, the former campaign manager faces real jail time before his trial begins for collusion and money laundering. Chief counsel, Robert Mueller, learned that Manafort contacted the Russian Intelligence Service last Friday and also visited a Krispy Cream Donut shop. Our Washington correspondent, Sharon Lynch, asked Manafort about his lapse in judgment. “I was going stir-crazy,” Manafort said, “locked up in these four walls.” Manafort’s four walls are in fact forty-seven walls surrounding a twenty thousand square foot home with a spa, indoor swimming pool, home theater, and a bowling alley. When pressed about contacting the Russians, Mr. Manafort added, “I only wanted to hear a friendly voice and send Vladimir a box of pastry.” In a related story, Bob Mueller revealed that temporary President Trump’s son-in-law, and man currently being fitted for a “Cool hand Luke designer striped suit,” Jared Kushner, directed former White House security adviser, Michael Flynn, to contact Russian officials before Trump’s inauguration. When our sources asked Kushner about the latest allegations, he broke down in tears and said: “Donald Jr. made me do it. It was Donny and my sneaky wife, Ivanka. They’re the guilty ones. I only wanted to visit Netanyahu in Israel and eat a potato knish.” This just in, the grifters are heading for the last roundup. Film at II.

Our sources learned that Alabama Senate contender, and man banned from the Gadsden Mall by Paul Blart Mall Cop, Judge Roy Bean Moore, has gone into hiding. The alleged child molester is taking cover in a replica of the rat hole where Sadam Hussain was discovered during the Iraq War. Moore told reporters, and I quote: “Down here in the rat hole, I’m just another dirt bag surrounded by actual dirt bags.” Unsurprisingly, Norwegian Rats living alongside Moore have been voluntarily eating poison and leaping into traps rather than share the space with him. In a breaking news story out of Washington, Donald Trump Jr. is only moments away from finding out what Justice Department handcuffs feel like when they’re tightening around his limp wrists. “If the feds get any closer,” Trump Jr. told reporters. “I’ll be joining Judge Moore in his cozy rat hole underground.” Adding to his statement, Donald Jr. said, and I quote: “I only colluded with the Russians because I’m a stupid douche bag like my father. Dad just wanted to build a hotel in Red Square and be the King of America, is that so bad?” This just in, after Sara Huckabee Sanders’ yearly White House physical, doctors revealed that in place of a heart, they discovered a jagged chunk of black coal. Film at eleven.

First daughter, and woman who has her high heels cobbled together by moppets in China, Ivanka Trump, recently weighed in on the sexual misconduct of Alabama’s Senate contender, Judge Roy Bean Moore. Taking to her twitter account, Ivanka said, and I quote: “There is a special place in hell for political figures who prey upon Children.” Ivanka neglected mention that normally that ranking is reserved for the clergy who pray for their parishioners while preying on their parishioner’s children. The first daughter also forgot to note that decent Americans have been in their own special hell since her father took office. In a related story, Jared Kushner is in hot water with the Department of Justice, accused of not disclosing his ties to WikiLeaks’s Julian Assange and the Russian connection. Once more, Ivanka chimed in on twitter, stating: “My husband may be guilty of a lot of things, including being a colossal dullard with a wretched sense of humor, having a grating high-pitched voice that sounds like Kermit the Frog on helium, and a total washout in the sack, but he’s too dimwitted to orchestrate treason against the United States; then again, I may be wrong.” This just in, clearly Ivanka is wrong. Film at eleven.