We begin with viewers who watch this broadcast for six seconds before switching to a cat running up drapes, a monkey tossing turds at someone’s granny, and a rat waltzing a slice of pizza down subway stairs. To those Instagramsters viewing Phake Breaking News for a brief moment, may I just say stay tuned a tad longer; I can assure you your time will be well-spent. Plus, when this telecast has concluded, Mr. Whiskers will still be racing up curtains, the mischievous monkey in the zoo will be lobbing turds at granny, and ratatouille boy will be hopping down the subway stairs with a slice of Ray’s pizza locked in his germ-ridden jaws. In an unrelated story, Dwayne Elgin, a prolific writer with a large brain recently wrote: “Injustice flourishes in the darkness of inattention.” Seven words worth repeating: “Injustice flourishes in the darkness of inattention.” Temporary President Trump is an uncommon pickpocket stealing our Democracy and undermining our way of life. He is in fact the divider-in-chief. We are better than this. One of the brilliant architects of the Constitution, Thomas Jefferson, wrote in his journal: “Eternal vigilance is the cost of freedom.” We must pay attention and keep vigilant. This just in, apparently my pizza delivery just arrived at the studio. Until we meet again. Film at eleven.

Today’s breaking news concerns the continuing blitzkrieg of Trump supporters leaping from the sinking Republican Party like rats jumping off a coffin descending beneath the waves. Earlier today, Bay Area reporter, John Baskett, spoke with Berkeley resident and former Trump follower, Saul Grabiotti. Mr. Grabiotti said and I quote: “When I voted for Donald Trump, I lost my soul. Losing my soul wasn’t like losing my keys; I never found my soul under the sofa.” Our Bay Area correspondent learned that several people who tolerated Saul’s dark heart for decades, recently chipped in and bought him a sense of humor for his birthday. “Now, I appreciate how funny Stephen Colbert, Jimmy Kimmel, and Bill Mayer have been all these years,” Mr. Grabiotti added. “They’re brilliant comedians and they speak to the truth.” I must say, it’s refreshing to hear a Trump tarradiddle admitting he’s been behaving like an utter mooncalf. With that said, it won’t be long before every Trump supporter realizes what a douchebag Temporary President Trump is every time he opens his pie hole. Speaking of douchebags, tarradiddles, and mooncalves; in a related story, former Trump campaign manager and convicted felon, Paul Manafort, is currently looking at an eighty-five year stretch in a Federal penitentiary. In the words of another Don’s right-hand-man, Peter Clemenza, “Oh, you won’t be seeing Pauly no more; take the gun and leave the cannolis.” Film at eleven.