Keeping schools closed for six months will not turn your offspring into a glut of blathering idiots. Doubtless, a few teachers might argue that they’re already blathering idiots, so how can another six months hurt? Anyway, if your kids are anything like me, and god help them if they are, I cut classes from time to time. I even attended summer school three years in a row. At the end of the third year, the principal thought I was the janitor. If truth be told, there are a surplus of successful human beings who didn’t finish college, let alone high school. Bill Gates and Richard Branson didn’t receive a sheepskin; all the same, the Billionaire’s Boys Club knocked it out of the park. Jim Carey, one of my comedic heroes, dropped out of high school. Perhaps the greatest mind of any generation, Albert Einstein, struggled in the world of academia. “Imagination,” Dr. Einstein offered, “is more important than education.” I’ll bet even our prehistoric cousins were cave-schooled and they could still read the heavens and navigate the landscape. In effect, there are countless cultures who approach education from a vastly different perspective and their citizenry remains healthy in body and spirit. If you stop to think about it, the value of art, drama, and storytelling from a parent’s perspective may be far more important than sitting in a classroom learning Calculous and Intermediate Algebra. So, please keep your children home and healthy until we find a vaccine for this virus. Thanks, I appreciate it.
Tag Archives: Fake Newscast
Biden for President
Pulling punches while Donald Trump attempts to renew his dictatorial reign over the country is no longer an option. It’s time to punch back with a flurry of lefts, rights, and uppercuts until the weasel in the White House is not only defeated but down for the count. A little more than a year ago, the media stopped using words like “Fabrication” and “Mendacious” when describing Donald Trump’s latest dishonest rant. After a long wait, pundits finally began to announce, “The President is a pathological liar,” and “The President lies every time he opens his mouth.” I would add that whenever the Grifter-in-Chief’s lips are moving, he is not only lying, his mouth sounds like it is falling down a flight of stairs. Not long ago, I was having a little chinwag with my neighbor at a safe distance when he said, “Every politician lies.”
“Yes, but that’s too easy,” I replied. “Twenty thousand lies over a span of three and a half years should be in the Guinness Book of World Records.”
“All politicians are the same,” he added with a thin-lipped smirk.
Whenever I hear someone say “all politicians are the same,” a cartoon balloon appears above my head. “I wish I was holding a flounder right now,” the words in the balloon spell out. “Then, I could whack you across your dentures with a walleyed fish, you blathering nimrod.” Of course, I let the words in the balloon fade away and offer the blathering nimrod something plausible like, “Franklin Delano Roosevelt and Adolph Hitler were both politicians. I don’t think they were the same.” Anyway, before I could turn tail, my obtuse neighbor mentioned that he and his wife were having friends over for dinner.
“That isn’t a good idea,” I said with a concerned look. “We’re in the middle of a pandemic.”
“We’re not all paranoid about the virus,” he replied. “You know? Masks and all that stuff.”
“You call it paranoia,” I offered. “I call it being responsible and smart.”
Clearly irritated with my retort and wearing a furrowed brow, he said, “Our friends are just like us.” Once again, the cartoon balloon appeared above my head. This time, instead of the fish across the false teeth routine, the words hovering above my head spelled out, “So, you say your guests for dinner are just like you? Stupid? Thoughtless? Dimwitted?” Once more, the words above my head faded, but this time I didn’t say anything. I just recalled Mark Twain’s adage: “No amount of evidence will persuade an idiot.” In the end, my little tête-à-tête with my neighbor ended with a simultaneous shrug. Doubtless, he’ll never read this piece. Just like Donald Trump, he probably hasn’t cracked a book or read an article since … well, forever. All the same, considering his behavior is reckless and irresponsible and not only puts his life in peril, but the lives of good and decent people who wear masks and maintain proper social distancing, I could give a rat’s ass if he does. One thing he will read every time he drives up to his house is the sign I just put on my front lawn: BIDEN FOR PRESIDENT.
HERO
On my birthday, little more than a year ago, my wife gave me several books. One of the tomes was “Walking with the Wind,” by John Lewis. I devoured all five hundred plus pages in a few days. It was, and remains, one of the best books I’ve ever had the pleasure of reading. Congressman John Lewis was a giant in the civil rights movement; a force to be reckoned with. The power of Love is at the center of every chapter. Mr. Lewis was a decent hardworking man; a caring, loving individual. If you have not already read “Walking with the Wind,” do yourself a favor and pick up a copy. Congressman Lewis will be missed.
No Amount of Evidence
Pulling punches while Donald Trump attempts to renew his dictatorial reign over the country is no longer an option. It’s time to punch back with a flurry of lefts, rights, and uppercuts until the weasel in the White House is not only defeated but down for the count. A little more than a year ago, the media stopped using words like “Fabrication” and “Mendacious” when describing Donald Trump’s latest dishonest rant. After a long wait, pundits finally began to announce, “The President is a pathological liar,” and “The President lies every time he opens his mouth.” I would add that whenever the Grifter-in-Chief’s lips are moving, he is not only lying, his mouth sounds like it is falling down a flight of stairs. Not long ago, I was having a little chinwag with my neighbor at a safe distance when he said, “Every politician lies.”
“Yes, but that’s too easy,” I replied. “Twenty thousand lies over a span of three and a half years should be in the Guinness Book of World Records.”
“All politicians are the same,” he added with a thin-lipped smirk.
Whenever I hear someone say “all politicians are the same,” a cartoon balloon appears above my head. “I wish I was holding a flounder right now,” the words in the balloon spell out. “Then, I could whack you across your dentures with a walleyed fish, you blathering nimrod.” Of course, I let the words in the balloon fade away and offer the blathering nimrod something plausible like, “Franklin Delano Roosevelt and Adolph Hitler were both politicians. I don’t think they were the same.” Anyway, before I could turn tail, my obtuse neighbor mentioned that he and his wife were having friends over for dinner.
“That isn’t a good idea,” I said with a concerned look. “We’re in the middle of a pandemic.”
“We’re not all paranoid about the virus,” he replied. “You know? Masks and all that stuff.”
“You call it paranoia,” I offered. “I call it being responsible and smart.”
Clearly irritated with my retort and wearing a furrowed brow, he said, “Our friends are just like us.” Once again, the cartoon balloon appeared above my head. This time, instead of the fish across the false teeth routine, the words hovering above my head spelled out, “So, you say your guests for dinner are just like you? Stupid? Thoughtless? Dimwitted?” Once more, the words above my head faded, but this time I didn’t say anything. I just recalled Mark Twain’s adage: “No amount of evidence will persuade an idiot.” In the end, my little tête-à-tête with my neighbor ended with a simultaneous shrug. Doubtless, he’ll never read this piece. Just like Donald Trump, he probably hasn’t cracked a book or read an article since … well, forever. All the same, considering his behavior is reckless and irresponsible and not only puts his life in peril, but the lives of good and decent people who wear masks and maintain proper social distancing, I could give a rat’s ass if he does. One thing he will read every time he drives up to his house is the sign I just put on my front lawn: BIDEN FOR PRESIDENT.
Disney to Reopen
Florida’s premier amusement park, Disneyworld, reopened this week featuring a brand-new attraction: “The Peterpandemic Haunted House.” Before entering the chilling ride, patrons are asked to sign a waiver absolving Disneyworld of any wrongdoing in the event they drop dead, two weeks later. Florida’s Mickey Mouse Governor, Ron “Goofy” DeSantis, plans to be the first person in line to ride the new attraction.
Deadly Viral Tsunami
Although Covid 19 may resemble a science fiction screenplay by Stephen King, starring Tom Cruise and Sandra Bullock, our fragile planet is, in fact, experiencing a deadly viral tsunami; the likes of which the world has never known. While the unchecked Coronavirus cuts a dizzying swathe across the Blue Speck, Americans must also deal with the orange scourge occupying the Oval Office. At the worst possible moment in our nation’s history, we are strapped with a Head of State ranking alongside tyrants like Benito Mussolini and Idi Amin. From the temporary President’s first one-hundred days to his last one-hundred days, the bloated jackass, Donald John Trump, ravaged the constitution, fueled divisiveness, and trampled upon the rule of law. Now, good and decent Americans have the opportunity to give the swollen goon a swift kick in the wazoo and send him packing. But in order to rid the country of our national disgrace, we the people must get out the vote. Voting our conscience is the perfect path to redemption. Then, the horror of the past four years will come to an end and America can begin the healing process. At last, we’ll wash away the lawlessness, anarchy, and chaos stemming from the current administration and once again breathe free. At that juncture, the deplorable racists who supported the hideous criminal in the White House can crawl back into the ratholes from which they came. Soon after, everyone around the globe will switch on their big screen TVs and watch the most successful grifter in modern history being led away in handcuffs; doubtless, with toilet paper stuck to his shoe and his bad comb-over flapping in the breeze
Choice
Shortly before hurricane Andrew wreaked havoc on Southern Florida, I was lying on the sofa in my aunt Filippa’s house in Delray Beach with the air conditioner cranked up to Penguin House. Aunt Filippa and Uncle Louie were letting me cool my heals in their comfortable snow-bird home, before I hopped in my Beetle and slid down to Key West. In the southernmost city of Florida, I was bringing the gift of laughter to my fellow earthlings; a sensational room in a swanky hotel I’d headlined several times. It was also the jumping off point for a month in Puerto Rico and the Grand Cayman Islands. (Working in the Caribbean was a dirty job, but someone had to do it.)
A few minutes before I was stretched out on the sofa, I was standing in the driveway with my aunt and uncle who driving back to Brooklyn with a trunk loaded with oranges and grapefruits for their neighbors in East Flatbush.
“I know it’s a long shot,” Uncle Louie said hanging his head out the car window. “But if you get lucky, make sure the neighbors get an eyeful. The frosties around here could use a little excitement.”
Uncle Louie was a handsome devil in his mid-sixties, tall with jet black hair and horn-rimmed glasses. I called him Superman. A throwback from when I was a kid, because he was the spitting image of Clark Kent. Louie loved to call to his fellow Floridians “Frosties,” because they were either bald or graying on top. We were running errands a week earlier when Louie spied an elderly woman in the car ahead of us. “Holy crap,” he said while we were sitting at a red light. “There’s a giant cotton ball with two arms driving a Lincoln.” I attribute a portion of my wacky sense of humor to Uncle Louie; although, I’m certain he’d readily deny it.
After Aunt Filippa and Uncle Louie pulled out of the driveway, I got comfortable on the sofa with a bag of Doritos propped up between my legs, the remote control in one hand and a cold beer in the other. While I was sipping, snacking, and surfing, I dropped anchor on a local talk show. The moment I logged on, a woman with dark eyes looked directly into the camera and said, “For the first time in my life, I understood that we always have a choice.” I think she’d lost a boatload of weight and followed her dream of becoming a mermaid at Weekewaachie, but I can’t be certain; anyway, that’s not important; what is important was she grasped the power of choice; something she had never seriously contemplated and neither had I.
When I switched off the television, I could still see her face and hear her voice announcing, “For the first time in my life, I understood that we always have a choice.” It was a simple statement that went straight to my heart. I found myself repeating it again and again. At that moment, I began to think about the power of choice and how I might apply it to my life. Could I choose to be healthier, wealthier, more compassionate, more loving? The more “choice questions” I asked, the more “yes answers” I received.
“We always have a choice,” I suddenly said aloud. “We always have a choice.”
It sounds simple, I admit, but it was something of an awakening, a bright moment the likes of which Ebenezer Scrooge experienced when he awoke on Christmas morning. I got it. Recurring messages orchestrating a positive attitude; a sequence of reminders prompting choices spoken aloud; memoranda driving the right choice home at the right time.
The woman on the talk show got it. She understood that controlling her choices from one moment to another was key to achieving her goals. Attending to her own sound advice was highly effective. She determined that if she was going to change, she had to recall the moment of truth on demand, out loud. Smart pledges announcing that the power of choice is always there for the asking. In effect, by allowing myself to repeat choice words at will, I could choose to accept love and give love unconditionally. In doing so, I accepted a stream of consciousness that made my choices honest, authentic, and sincere.
Southside of Brooklyn
I was born on the southside of Brooklyn a few years after the second world war. My father was stationed in Nebraska during World War II and often said, “I killed more German and Japanese soldiers with my typewriter than any other guy in the Army Air Corp.” Still in single digits, I thought Dad went around smashing his Underwood over enemy combatants’ heads, or dropped his typewriter from a B17 into densely populated areas of Berlin and Tokyo. Although my father was never in the thick of it, he still suffered from PTSD, or shell shock as the medicos called the disorder in the 1940s. Why he exhibited symptoms of the dread condition is a mystery; nonetheless, after his stint in the armed forces, Dad had more issues than Readers Digest. Of course, cohabitating with my mother, the Sicilian whack-a-do from Crazy Town, may have been a contributing factor regarding his facial tics and occasional melt downs; events that punctuated a broad-spectrum of clumsy parenting. Just the same, I never doubted his love. A few years back, the veteran shuffled off this mortal coil in his 96th year. In his absence, I thank my father and his heroic band of brothers who fought and died for their country.
Black American Hero’s
Here is a clever idea from the button-down mind of my lovely wife, Millisa. Recently, the folks at Quaker Oats and Mars Nutrition woke up after 130 years and discontinued their stereotypical logos from the company’s pancake mix and fragrant white rice. Millisa said, “The Quaker Oat Company and Mars Nutrition should replace Uncle Ben and Aunt Jemima with a bit of Black History on every box of pancake mix and white rice. It would be a heartfelt gesture toward eradicating racism and bigotry around the world. Every month (or at least every February) the mega-corporations could highlight Frederick Douglas or Martin Luther King Jr. Perhaps Miles Davis or Rosa Parks. The list is endless. To those corporations, I would underline that there is no time like the present to make a contribution and not just money.”