In the ongoing battle for the soul of America, the 84th Attorney General, and evil leprechaun who tries to steal the pot of gold at the end of a rainbow, Jeff “I don’t recall” Sessions, testified in front of the Congressional Judiciary Committee. Lacking the moral fiber to answer questions honestly, Sessions’ meandering tongue flip-flopped across his teeth and gums like the character, Tommy Two-Times, in the mob-classic, Goodfellas. When Senator Jackson Lee asked the Attorney General about his conversation with George “Spanakopita” Papadopoulos and the Russian connection, Mr. Sessions shifted from side to side as though he was sitting on a chair with a broken spring. Oddly enough, at the end of the inquiry, Sessions’ tiny pointy ears began fluttering like a guava bat racing from a cave in Peru and he sailed out the door. In a related story, Temporary President Trump’s first born male child, and man who has the kind of face that begs to be slapped, Donald Trump Jr., was caught lying to the FBI about his connection to Wikileaks and the Russians. When the Justice Department asked Trump Jr. why he lied, the President’s son appeared to have a nervous breakdown. Like a man suffering from Turrets syndrome, Donald Jr. shouted in a voice reminiscent of a gangster from an old timey film in the 1930’s. “O.K. G-Men, ya got me, yeah, see,” Junior bellowed. “I guess the fruit doesn’t fall far from the tree, yeah, see. I’m a lying piece of garbage; take me to the Big house.” While being led form the hearing, apparently Donny called out for his mommy. This just in, Tiffany Trump has been missing for three weeks and nobody cares. Film at eleven.

In a recent study by the American Psychiatric Association, doctors revealed that if Temporary President Trump had a twin brother, rather than one of the siblings being good and the other evil, both twins would be morons with an IQ of a baked potato sans sour cream and chives. The head of research at the APA, Dr. Brad Pittman, said, and I quote: “Even if twin Trumps melded their brains together, they still wouldn’t have the Intelligence Quotient of a subterranean Mir cat or a leaping gerbil.” In a related story, Judge Roy Bean Moore continues to refute allegations of pedophilia. The judge told reporters, and I quote: “Geeze, you date a few fourteen-year-old girls when you’re in your thirties and everyone bites your head off. Where I come from, if you’re not dating a fourteen-year-old, you’re courting your cousin who is also fourteen.” This just in, our sources recently learned that before retiring for the evening, Vice President Pence sings the Battle Hymn of the Republic with a dill pickle in each nostril and his wife’s panties draped across his head. Film at eleven.

We begin with the latest developments regarding the administration’s chaotic presidency teetering on the edge of the abyss. On Friday, White House Press Secretary and former disgruntled cashier sucking on a Slim Jim at the 98-cent store, Sara Huckabee Sanders, defended accused pedophile, Judge Roy Moore. Spinning the disturbing narrative, Sanders said, and I quote: “A mere allegation of sexual impropriety isn’t enough to condemn Judge Moore. In fact, I recently sat on his lap at the White House Halloween party in the Oval Office. Granted, I felt something rigid in his pants, but the Judge assured me it was only the Alka-Seltzer bottle where he keeps his Viagra.” “Besides,” Sara added, “Judge Moore wears a white cowboy hat and everyone knows they’re only worn by the good guys.” In a related story, Temporary President Trump’s approval rating is waning faster than an ice cream cone in the hands of Chris Christie. Over the weekend, our reporters spoke with former Trump supporter, Martha Kleege, from Steubenville, Ohio. When asked about her change of heart, Martha said: “Donald Trump is a painful pimple on the nose of America. The incompetent bag-o-nuts recently kissed-up to Vladimir Putin while throwing his own CIA agents under the Access Hollywood Bus where he boasted about grabbing women’s hoo-hahs.” Harsh words perhaps; nonetheless, it is encouraging to hear former Trump supporters … This just in, once again Kellyanne Conway was seen taking the 9:20 broom to Hades alongside Sara Huckabee Sanders. Film at eleven.

Scientific research at Yale supports the longevity benefits of reading.  “Newspapers and magazines will do,” Professor Becca R. Levy said, “but books are the best. Reading as little as thirty minutes a day has shown a significant survival advantage over individuals who do not read.”

This afternoon I attended a town Hall meeting in Sarasota, hosted by Congressman Vern Buchanan. Along with roughly four-thousand concerned citizens, my wife and I and our friend, Charlie, amplified our viewpoints and voices at the Van Wezel Auditorium. Unfortunately, important questions regarding the immoral state of affairs we face each day of the Trump presidency were met with spin-city-answers. Like a genuine Trump partisan, Mr. Buchanan sidestepped legitimate questions about the horrific policies and procedures Donald Trump spews out with every sunrise. Mr. Buchanan spent the lion’s share of the question and answer period looking like the proverbial deer caught in the headlights. The meeting nonetheless was exhilarating because ninety-nine percent of the attendees were on the right side of history; people who came to challenge the congressman’s failed policies, leanings, and loyalties toward a man who should be cleaning the toilets in the White House rather than using them. Thomas Jefferson said, “Eternal vigilance is the price of liberty.” We took our eye off the ball and now our freedom and independence hangs in the balance. These are troubling times in our nation’s history, but like the clichéd expression reveals, “It is always darkest before the dawn.” Resist.

After the courts ruled against Donald Trump’s travel ban, Kellyanne Conway held a press conference to announce she was on her way to the Nordstrom Rack to pick up a few Ivanka Trump designs on clearance.

Good people, I know there’s one thing we can all agree upon; Kelly Anne Conway has taken leave of her racist bigoted white-supremacist mind. Bare feet in the Oval Office? Bare feet on the sofa while 35 Black University Presidents are standing in attendance? You disrespectful slithering-silicone-sycophant. Please, Kelly Anne, do the planet a colossal favor and crawl back in to the gurgling bog you oozed out of. I’m sure you’ll find a cozy snakeskin sweater from Ivanka Fashions and a few alternative facts at the bottom of the ooze. Good luck and God Bless.

Ben Carson should be cutting the ribbon in front of the latest Taco Bell franchise in Oxnard, but instead he’s being confirmed as one of Trumps Cabinet members. Am I missing something ?