We begin with temporary President Trump’s disenfranchised supporters; millions of former republicans like Teddy Lipton, a door-to-door pillbox salesman from Boseman, Montana who recently turned in his GOP ID Card for a Dump Trump bumper sticker. “Until Trump came along,” Teddy told our reporters, “I was a perfectly happy racist, xenophobic, misogynistic, guy. Now, every time I see Donald on TV, I realize what a gigantic ass-face I’ve been my entire life.” I speak for all of humanity, Mr. Lipton, when I say Bravo and please stay on your meds. In a related story, at the recent confirmation hearings for Supreme Court Justice, a protester, Phyllis Sans-filter, stood up while Brett Kavanaugh was evading another question from Senator Harris and shouted: “I like salmon and so does my tabby, Mr. Whiskers.” It wasn’t clear why Phyllis interrupted the hearing; nonetheless, DC Police dragged her from the room, repeatedly slapping Sans-filter the way Moe smacked Larry and Curly in every Three Stooges film from 1937. This just in: It has been confirmed that Sara Schmuckabee Sanders is in fact a lying sack of horse apples … film at eleven.
We begin with Temporary President Trump’s approaching physical examination administered by his personal physician, Dr. Vinny Boom Bots. Doctor Boom Bots told our sources that he will be taking Trump’s temperature, examining his cholesterol, blood pressure, and checking to see if Mr. Trump in fact has a heart. The doctor added that he will not be checking Trump’s prostate during the examination. The doctor told reporters, and I quote: “The last time I checked Mr. Trump’s prostate, I lost a pair of latex gloves, two gold rings, and a Rolex watch my wife gave me for Christmas.” In a related story, Mr. Trump will be playing the part of Ebenezer Scrooge at the White House Christmas party. In Trump’s version of the Dickens’ tale, when Ebenezer Scrooge is visited by the three spirits played by Jared Kushner, Kellyanne Conway, and Sara Huckabee Sanders, he bashes their heads in with a fruitcake President Eisenhower left as a doorstop in 1952. Then, President Scrooge fires Bob Cratchit Mueller, pardons General Flynn, and takes away Tiny Tim’s health care and Timmy’s only remaining crutch. Without health care and his crutch, the sickly lad gets influenza and dies out in the cold. God help us, everyone. Film at eleven.
Our breaking news begins with former Trump campaign manager, and man who thought the term “Gag Order” meant Sergei Kislyac would perform the Heimlich Maneuver on him if he was choking on a Russian cabbage roll, Paul Manafort. It appears Mr. Manafort disregarded a court order concerning his current house arrest. Now, the former campaign manager faces real jail time before his trial begins for collusion and money laundering. Chief counsel, Robert Mueller, learned that Manafort contacted the Russian Intelligence Service last Friday and also visited a Krispy Cream Donut shop. Our Washington correspondent, Sharon Lynch, asked Manafort about his lapse in judgment. “I was going stir-crazy,” Manafort said, “locked up in these four walls.” Manafort’s four walls are in fact forty-seven walls surrounding a twenty thousand square foot home with a spa, indoor swimming pool, home theater, and a bowling alley. When pressed about contacting the Russians, Mr. Manafort added, “I only wanted to hear a friendly voice and send Vladimir a box of pastry.” In a related story, Bob Mueller revealed that temporary President Trump’s son-in-law, and man currently being fitted for a “Cool hand Luke designer striped suit,” Jared Kushner, directed former White House security adviser, Michael Flynn, to contact Russian officials before Trump’s inauguration. When our sources asked Kushner about the latest allegations, he broke down in tears and said: “Donald Jr. made me do it. It was Donny and my sneaky wife, Ivanka. They’re the guilty ones. I only wanted to visit Netanyahu in Israel and eat a potato knish.” This just in, the grifters are heading for the last roundup. Film at II.
Our sources learned that Alabama Senate contender, and man banned from the Gadsden Mall by Paul Blart Mall Cop, Judge Roy Bean Moore, has gone into hiding. The alleged child molester is taking cover in a replica of the rat hole where Sadam Hussain was discovered during the Iraq War. Moore told reporters, and I quote: “Down here in the rat hole, I’m just another dirt bag surrounded by actual dirt bags.” Unsurprisingly, Norwegian Rats living alongside Moore have been voluntarily eating poison and leaping into traps rather than share the space with him. In a breaking news story out of Washington, Donald Trump Jr. is only moments away from finding out what Justice Department handcuffs feel like when they’re tightening around his limp wrists. “If the feds get any closer,” Trump Jr. told reporters. “I’ll be joining Judge Moore in his cozy rat hole underground.” Adding to his statement, Donald Jr. said, and I quote: “I only colluded with the Russians because I’m a stupid douche bag like my father. Dad just wanted to build a hotel in Red Square and be the King of America, is that so bad?” This just in, after Sara Huckabee Sanders’ yearly White House physical, doctors revealed that in place of a heart, they discovered a jagged chunk of black coal. Film at eleven.
First daughter, and woman who has her high heels cobbled together by moppets in China, Ivanka Trump, recently weighed in on the sexual misconduct of Alabama’s Senate contender, Judge Roy Bean Moore. Taking to her twitter account, Ivanka said, and I quote: “There is a special place in hell for political figures who prey upon Children.” Ivanka neglected mention that normally that ranking is reserved for the clergy who pray for their parishioners while preying on their parishioner’s children. The first daughter also forgot to note that decent Americans have been in their own special hell since her father took office. In a related story, Jared Kushner is in hot water with the Department of Justice, accused of not disclosing his ties to WikiLeaks’s Julian Assange and the Russian connection. Once more, Ivanka chimed in on twitter, stating: “My husband may be guilty of a lot of things, including being a colossal dullard with a wretched sense of humor, having a grating high-pitched voice that sounds like Kermit the Frog on helium, and a total washout in the sack, but he’s too dimwitted to orchestrate treason against the United States; then again, I may be wrong.” This just in, clearly Ivanka is wrong. Film at eleven.
In the ongoing battle for the soul of America, the 84th Attorney General, and evil leprechaun who tries to steal the pot of gold at the end of a rainbow, Jeff “I don’t recall” Sessions, testified in front of the Congressional Judiciary Committee. Lacking the moral fiber to answer questions honestly, Sessions’ meandering tongue flip-flopped across his teeth and gums like the character, Tommy Two-Times, in the mob-classic, Goodfellas. When Senator Jackson Lee asked the Attorney General about his conversation with George “Spanakopita” Papadopoulos and the Russian connection, Mr. Sessions shifted from side to side as though he was sitting on a chair with a broken spring. Oddly enough, at the end of the inquiry, Sessions’ tiny pointy ears began fluttering like a guava bat racing from a cave in Peru and he sailed out the door. In a related story, Temporary President Trump’s first born male child, and man who has the kind of face that begs to be slapped, Donald Trump Jr., was caught lying to the FBI about his connection to Wikileaks and the Russians. When the Justice Department asked Trump Jr. why he lied, the President’s son appeared to have a nervous breakdown. Like a man suffering from Turrets syndrome, Donald Jr. shouted in a voice reminiscent of a gangster from an old timey film in the 1930’s. “O.K. G-Men, ya got me, yeah, see,” Junior bellowed. “I guess the fruit doesn’t fall far from the tree, yeah, see. I’m a lying piece of garbage; take me to the Big house.” While being led form the hearing, apparently Donny called out for his mommy. This just in, Tiffany Trump has been missing for three weeks and nobody cares. Film at eleven.
In a recent study by the American Psychiatric Association, doctors revealed that if Temporary President Trump had a twin brother, rather than one of the siblings being good and the other evil, both twins would be morons with an IQ of a baked potato sans sour cream and chives. The head of research at the APA, Dr. Brad Pittman, said, and I quote: “Even if twin Trumps melded their brains together, they still wouldn’t have the Intelligence Quotient of a subterranean Mir cat or a leaping gerbil.” In a related story, Judge Roy Bean Moore continues to refute allegations of pedophilia. The judge told reporters, and I quote: “Geeze, you date a few fourteen-year-old girls when you’re in your thirties and everyone bites your head off. Where I come from, if you’re not dating a fourteen-year-old, you’re courting your cousin who is also fourteen.” This just in, our sources recently learned that before retiring for the evening, Vice President Pence sings the Battle Hymn of the Republic with a dill pickle in each nostril and his wife’s panties draped across his head. Film at eleven.
We begin with the latest developments regarding the administration’s chaotic presidency teetering on the edge of the abyss. On Friday, White House Press Secretary and former disgruntled cashier sucking on a Slim Jim at the 98-cent store, Sara Huckabee Sanders, defended accused pedophile, Judge Roy Moore. Spinning the disturbing narrative, Sanders said, and I quote: “A mere allegation of sexual impropriety isn’t enough to condemn Judge Moore. In fact, I recently sat on his lap at the White House Halloween party in the Oval Office. Granted, I felt something rigid in his pants, but the Judge assured me it was only the Alka-Seltzer bottle where he keeps his Viagra.” “Besides,” Sara added, “Judge Moore wears a white cowboy hat and everyone knows they’re only worn by the good guys.” In a related story, Temporary President Trump’s approval rating is waning faster than an ice cream cone in the hands of Chris Christie. Over the weekend, our reporters spoke with former Trump supporter, Martha Kleege, from Steubenville, Ohio. When asked about her change of heart, Martha said: “Donald Trump is a painful pimple on the nose of America. The incompetent bag-o-nuts recently kissed-up to Vladimir Putin while throwing his own CIA agents under the Access Hollywood Bus where he boasted about grabbing women’s hoo-hahs.” Harsh words perhaps; nonetheless, it is encouraging to hear former Trump supporters … This just in, once again Kellyanne Conway was seen taking the 9:20 broom to Hades alongside Sara Huckabee Sanders. Film at eleven.
Apparently, Ivanka Trump-a-Dashian and her Chinese emolument clothing couture is about to vamp down the last runway. In the words of Woody Guthrie: So long, been good to know ya, you bloody wanker. With any luck, her brothers: Eric (The Earl of Douchebags) Trump-a-Dashian and Donald Junior (The second Earl of Douchebags) will soon follow in their sister’s fraudulent footsteps. Born with silver forks in their mouths and doubtless pentagrams on their palms, the siblings chose to follow in Daddy’s disingenuous footsteps. In the process, the scallywags have taken words like creepy, disturbing, and horrific to new heights. As regards Cinderella Trump-a-Dashian, also known as Tiffany, the sour stepsister often appears confused and disoriented at family gatherings. At the recent Easter Egg Hunt on the White House lawn, for example, Cinderella/Tiffany looked like Bambi staring into the headlights of an oncoming Buick. Baron is just a child, but I don’t hold out a lot of hope for the Trump-a-Dashian youngster. Not surprisingly, if you look up the words Hypocrisy and Nightmarish in the dictionary, you’ll find the Trump-a-Dashian family photo. Alongside the family photograph, you’ll see individual snapshots of the douchebag brothers, Eric and Donald Jr, posing in front of the slaughtered remains of endangered species. Such as Lions, Tigers, and the majestic African Elephant. Evidently, Eric and Donald Jr. think the big game photographs will dispel reports from their wives that the Trump-a-Dashian brothers are hung like hamsters. Frankly, I hope it won’t be long before this reality show gets cancelled. It’s the scariest program I’ve ever seen.