We begin with the sovereignty of the vote and the character of America no longer hanging in the balance. The Democrats have taken back the house. Good Show! Following the inauguration when Temporary President Trump placed his tiny hand on the good book and promised to uphold the constitution; Americans soon learned that Vladimir Putin had installed his supreme operative in the White House: Comrade-in-chief Donald J. Trump. Presently, Mr. Trump’s scurrilous attempt to hijack America via fear and division is coming to an end. From sea to shining sea, Americans are waking up and smelling the French roast and Siberian caviar. Recently, our sources spoke with another former Trump supporter, Christine Rayban from Mill Basin, New York. Christine told reporters that when she supported Donald Trump, she was coming from a very dark place. Which is, of course, a euphemism for having her head up her Arse. “I finally came to grips with my racist leanings,” Christine told reporters. “When I realized how god-awful stupid Donald Trump sounded every time he opened his pie hole.” The East Flatbush native added that her husband, Warren Rayban, is still a raging beanhead who supports Trump and needs to get back on his meds. This just in, our sources learned that special counsel, Robert Mueller, will in fact be indicting Donald Trump Jr., Jared Kushner, and Roger Stone for colluding with the Russians during the presidential campaign. Indeed, the brothers-in-law and Stone are heading for the Old Gray Bar hotel where they will be sharing their days with Paul Manafort and a plethora of slack-jawed-ne’r-do-wells. Apparently, Ivanka Trump will be joining Kushner, Stone, and Junior in the hoosegow simply for behaving like a clueless-wealthy-Dunder-headed-grifter. Film at eleven.
We begin with viewers who watch this broadcast for six seconds before switching to a cat running up drapes, a monkey tossing turds at someone’s granny, and a rat waltzing a slice of pizza down subway stairs. To those Instagramsters viewing Phake Breaking News for a brief moment, may I just say stay tuned a tad longer; I can assure you your time will be well-spent. Plus, when this telecast has concluded, Mr. Whiskers will still be racing up curtains, the mischievous monkey in the zoo will be lobbing turds at granny, and ratatouille boy will be hopping down the subway stairs with a slice of Ray’s pizza locked in his germ-ridden jaws. In an unrelated story, Dwayne Elgin, a prolific writer with a large brain recently wrote: “Injustice flourishes in the darkness of inattention.” Seven words worth repeating: “Injustice flourishes in the darkness of inattention.” Temporary President Trump is an uncommon pickpocket stealing our Democracy and undermining our way of life. He is in fact the divider-in-chief. We are better than this. One of the brilliant architects of the Constitution, Thomas Jefferson, wrote in his journal: “Eternal vigilance is the cost of freedom.” We must pay attention and keep vigilant. This just in, apparently my pizza delivery just arrived at the studio. Until we meet again. Film at eleven.
We begin with the recent Fox News tribute to the 40th president of the United States, Ronald Reagan. In the opening segment, Laura Ingram called Temporary President Trump and Ronald Reagan “Two Great Leaders.” Back on Planet Earth, 70% of Americans think Ronald and Donald couldn’t lead a puppy to a hamburger. Even so, parallels can be drawn between the two Presidents. Reagan for example slashed education and social programs that protected the dispossessed. Donald Trump slashed regulations protecting American consumers and dispossessed infants from their mother’s bosoms. Reagan denounced the imprisoned Nelson Mandela as a terrorist and supported the racist apartied Government of South Africa. Donald Trump thinks Nazis are upstanding citizens. When all’s said and done, Ronald Reagan did his best work with a Chimpanzee in a Kookie film called, “Bedtime for Bonzo.” We here at PBN are currently taking up a collection to buy a monkey for Donald Trump; then, perhaps the country can get back to normal. This just in, I’m being told by our producer that one of our loyal viewers, Sharon Lynch, called the station and said: “Please don’t subject a sweet monkey to Donald Trump; Donald Junior and Eric will shoot the poor bastard and hang him on a wall in the oval office.” Point well-taken, Sharon, we’ll have to settle for a mechanical monkey in a bellhop costume banging on a pair of cymbals. Film at eleven.
Today’s breaking news concerns the continuing blitzkrieg of Trump supporters leaping from the sinking Republican Party like rats jumping off a coffin descending beneath the waves. Earlier today, Bay Area reporter, John Baskett, spoke with Berkeley resident and former Trump follower, Saul Grabiotti. Mr. Grabiotti said and I quote: “When I voted for Donald Trump, I lost my soul. Losing my soul wasn’t like losing my keys; I never found my soul under the sofa.” Our Bay Area correspondent learned that several people who tolerated Saul’s dark heart for decades, recently chipped in and bought him a sense of humor for his birthday. “Now, I appreciate how funny Stephen Colbert, Jimmy Kimmel, and Bill Mayer have been all these years,” Mr. Grabiotti added. “They’re brilliant comedians and they speak to the truth.” I must say, it’s refreshing to hear a Trump tarradiddle admitting he’s been behaving like an utter mooncalf. With that said, it won’t be long before every Trump supporter realizes what a douchebag Temporary President Trump is every time he opens his pie hole. Speaking of douchebags, tarradiddles, and mooncalves; in a related story, former Trump campaign manager and convicted felon, Paul Manafort, is currently looking at an eighty-five year stretch in a Federal penitentiary. In the words of another Don’s right-hand-man, Peter Clemenza, “Oh, you won’t be seeing Pauly no more; take the gun and leave the cannolis.” Film at eleven.
We begin with temporary President Trump’s disenfranchised supporters; millions of former republicans like Teddy Lipton, a door-to-door pillbox salesman from Boseman, Montana who recently turned in his GOP ID Card for a Dump Trump bumper sticker. “Until Trump came along,” Teddy told our reporters, “I was a perfectly happy racist, xenophobic, misogynistic, guy. Now, every time I see Donald on TV, I realize what a gigantic ass-face I’ve been my entire life.” I speak for all of humanity, Mr. Lipton, when I say Bravo and please stay on your meds. In a related story, at the recent confirmation hearings for Supreme Court Justice, a protester, Phyllis Sans-filter, stood up while Brett Kavanaugh was evading another question from Senator Harris and shouted: “I like salmon and so does my tabby, Mr. Whiskers.” It wasn’t clear why Phyllis interrupted the hearing; nonetheless, DC Police dragged her from the room, repeatedly slapping Sans-filter the way Moe smacked Larry and Curly in every Three Stooges film from 1937. This just in: It has been confirmed that Sara Schmuckabee Sanders is in fact a lying sack of horse apples … film at eleven.
Amidst the current Government shutdown, DACA deadline, and impending child healthcare closure, our sources learned that Temp. President Trump found the time to play eighteen holes of golf, bringing the total number of times Mr. Trump has spent on the golf course since his inauguration to 95. When a team of numerical analysts at M.I.T. factored in Mr. Trump’s regular days off, his vacation time, and his workday beginning at 11 and ending at 11:30, the President has in fact worked a total of four and a half days, and three and a half of those days were spent firing Anthony Scaramucci. In a related story, while millions of men and women around the world commemorated Holocaust Remembrance Day, the President spent the day on his golf course in New Jersey. The thoughtless chutzpah on the part of the Temporary President was amplified, because the golf course is restricted. This just in, a member of the White House staff, Mr. Perry White, revealed that he recently witnessed Mr. Trump twirling one strand of hair around his head for forty-five minutes, giving him the appearance of having a full head of hair. Mr. White added, and I quote, “Donald Trump is completely bald like his National Security Advisor, H.R. McMasters. In fact, the two hairless men often put their heads together and make an ass out of themselves.” Film at eleven.
Well, it is official ladies and gentlemen. Our sources across America and around the globe have confirmed the question everyone has been asking since temporary President Trump rode down the escalator in Trump Tower and threw his “Make America Hate Again” hat into the ring. That question, of course, whether Mr. Trump is in fact a racist, xenophobic, intolerant, narrow-minded, loser. Well, in light of his unseemly words this week on the topic of our neighbors and friends in Africa and Haiti, the evidence is crushingly and indisputably conclusive. Without a shadow of a doubt, President Shithole is exactly what he appears to be, a card carrying racist douche bag. Incidentally, if temporary Trump’s despicable behavior doesn’t offend you, you are a bigot as well, but of course you already knew that. In a related story, Sara Huckabee Sanders, Kellyanne Conway, and Jared Kushner formed an acapella group and will perform next month at the Saint Valentine’s and Single’s Awareness Day jamboree on the White House lawn. They dubbed their little trio, “Two Heartless Bitches and a Dicknose.” Film at eleven.
We begin with Temporary President Trump’s approaching physical examination administered by his personal physician, Dr. Vinny Boom Bots. Doctor Boom Bots told our sources that he will be taking Trump’s temperature, examining his cholesterol, blood pressure, and checking to see if Mr. Trump in fact has a heart. The doctor added that he will not be checking Trump’s prostate during the examination. The doctor told reporters, and I quote: “The last time I checked Mr. Trump’s prostate, I lost a pair of latex gloves, two gold rings, and a Rolex watch my wife gave me for Christmas.” In a related story, Mr. Trump will be playing the part of Ebenezer Scrooge at the White House Christmas party. In Trump’s version of the Dickens’ tale, when Ebenezer Scrooge is visited by the three spirits played by Jared Kushner, Kellyanne Conway, and Sara Huckabee Sanders, he bashes their heads in with a fruitcake President Eisenhower left as a doorstop in 1952. Then, President Scrooge fires Bob Cratchit Mueller, pardons General Flynn, and takes away Tiny Tim’s health care and Timmy’s only remaining crutch. Without health care and his crutch, the sickly lad gets influenza and dies out in the cold. God help us, everyone. Film at eleven.
Our breaking news begins with former Trump campaign manager, and man who thought the term “Gag Order” meant Sergei Kislyac would perform the Heimlich Maneuver on him if he was choking on a Russian cabbage roll, Paul Manafort. It appears Mr. Manafort disregarded a court order concerning his current house arrest. Now, the former campaign manager faces real jail time before his trial begins for collusion and money laundering. Chief counsel, Robert Mueller, learned that Manafort contacted the Russian Intelligence Service last Friday and also visited a Krispy Cream Donut shop. Our Washington correspondent, Sharon Lynch, asked Manafort about his lapse in judgment. “I was going stir-crazy,” Manafort said, “locked up in these four walls.” Manafort’s four walls are in fact forty-seven walls surrounding a twenty thousand square foot home with a spa, indoor swimming pool, home theater, and a bowling alley. When pressed about contacting the Russians, Mr. Manafort added, “I only wanted to hear a friendly voice and send Vladimir a box of pastry.” In a related story, Bob Mueller revealed that temporary President Trump’s son-in-law, and man currently being fitted for a “Cool hand Luke designer striped suit,” Jared Kushner, directed former White House security adviser, Michael Flynn, to contact Russian officials before Trump’s inauguration. When our sources asked Kushner about the latest allegations, he broke down in tears and said: “Donald Jr. made me do it. It was Donny and my sneaky wife, Ivanka. They’re the guilty ones. I only wanted to visit Netanyahu in Israel and eat a potato knish.” This just in, the grifters are heading for the last roundup. Film at II.
Earlier in the week, former national security adviser, and man who perfected the permanent sneer in second grade, Michael Flynn, pled guilty to the United States District Court for lying to the FBI. Our sources tell us that Flynn threw himself on the mercy of the court to save his son, pizza-gate conspirator, Michael Flynn Jr. In his statement to the high court, General Flynn asked the judge to pardon his son and allow Michael to resume his work in Russia with Vladimir Putin. “If you pardon my son, Michael,” Flynn told the district court. “He will have the opportunity to work for an established Oligarchy, rather than ours which is a work in progress.” In a disconnected segue, on Wednesday Temporary President Trump managed to dishonor women, World War II veterans, and native Americans all in one fell swoop. The Native American veterans were being honored for saving lives by using the Navaho language as code. During the ceremony, Trump referred to Senator Elizabeth Warren as “Pocahontas.” Fortunately, the veterans were so old they couldn’t hear the President’s ridiculous statement. Unfortunately, once again the rest of the country was subjected to listening to Trump’s infantile twaddle, god awful gibber jabber, and meanspirited poppycock. Film at eleven.