Amidst the current Government shutdown, DACA deadline, and impending child healthcare closure, our sources learned that Temp. President Trump found the time to play eighteen holes of golf, bringing the total number of times Mr. Trump has spent on the golf course since his inauguration to 95. When a team of numerical analysts at M.I.T. factored in Mr. Trump’s regular days off, his vacation time, and his workday beginning at 11 and ending at 11:30, the President has in fact worked a total of four and a half days, and three and a half of those days were spent firing Anthony Scaramucci. In a related story, while millions of men and women around the world commemorated Holocaust Remembrance Day, the President spent the day on his golf course in New Jersey. The thoughtless chutzpah on the part of the Temporary President was amplified, because the golf course is restricted. This just in, a member of the White House staff, Mr. Perry White, revealed that he recently witnessed Mr. Trump twirling one strand of hair around his head for forty-five minutes, giving him the appearance of having a full head of hair. Mr. White added, and I quote, “Donald Trump is completely bald like his National Security Advisor, H.R. McMasters. In fact, the two hairless men often put their heads together and make an ass out of themselves.” Film at eleven.
Well, it is official ladies and gentlemen. Our sources across America and around the globe have confirmed the question everyone has been asking since temporary President Trump rode down the escalator in Trump Tower and threw his “Make America Hate Again” hat into the ring. That question, of course, whether Mr. Trump is in fact a racist, xenophobic, intolerant, narrow-minded, loser. Well, in light of his unseemly words this week on the topic of our neighbors and friends in Africa and Haiti, the evidence is crushingly and indisputably conclusive. Without a shadow of a doubt, President Shithole is exactly what he appears to be, a card carrying racist douche bag. Incidentally, if temporary Trump’s despicable behavior doesn’t offend you, you are a bigot as well, but of course you already knew that. In a related story, Sara Huckabee Sanders, Kellyanne Conway, and Jared Kushner formed an acapella group and will perform next month at the Saint Valentine’s and Single’s Awareness Day jamboree on the White House lawn. They dubbed their little trio, “Two Heartless Bitches and a Dicknose.” Film at eleven.
We begin with Temporary President Trump’s approaching physical examination administered by his personal physician, Dr. Vinny Boom Bots. Doctor Boom Bots told our sources that he will be taking Trump’s temperature, examining his cholesterol, blood pressure, and checking to see if Mr. Trump in fact has a heart. The doctor added that he will not be checking Trump’s prostate during the examination. The doctor told reporters, and I quote: “The last time I checked Mr. Trump’s prostate, I lost a pair of latex gloves, two gold rings, and a Rolex watch my wife gave me for Christmas.” In a related story, Mr. Trump will be playing the part of Ebenezer Scrooge at the White House Christmas party. In Trump’s version of the Dickens’ tale, when Ebenezer Scrooge is visited by the three spirits played by Jared Kushner, Kellyanne Conway, and Sara Huckabee Sanders, he bashes their heads in with a fruitcake President Eisenhower left as a doorstop in 1952. Then, President Scrooge fires Bob Cratchit Mueller, pardons General Flynn, and takes away Tiny Tim’s health care and Timmy’s only remaining crutch. Without health care and his crutch, the sickly lad gets influenza and dies out in the cold. God help us, everyone. Film at eleven.
Our breaking news begins with former Trump campaign manager, and man who thought the term “Gag Order” meant Sergei Kislyac would perform the Heimlich Maneuver on him if he was choking on a Russian cabbage roll, Paul Manafort. It appears Mr. Manafort disregarded a court order concerning his current house arrest. Now, the former campaign manager faces real jail time before his trial begins for collusion and money laundering. Chief counsel, Robert Mueller, learned that Manafort contacted the Russian Intelligence Service last Friday and also visited a Krispy Cream Donut shop. Our Washington correspondent, Sharon Lynch, asked Manafort about his lapse in judgment. “I was going stir-crazy,” Manafort said, “locked up in these four walls.” Manafort’s four walls are in fact forty-seven walls surrounding a twenty thousand square foot home with a spa, indoor swimming pool, home theater, and a bowling alley. When pressed about contacting the Russians, Mr. Manafort added, “I only wanted to hear a friendly voice and send Vladimir a box of pastry.” In a related story, Bob Mueller revealed that temporary President Trump’s son-in-law, and man currently being fitted for a “Cool hand Luke designer striped suit,” Jared Kushner, directed former White House security adviser, Michael Flynn, to contact Russian officials before Trump’s inauguration. When our sources asked Kushner about the latest allegations, he broke down in tears and said: “Donald Jr. made me do it. It was Donny and my sneaky wife, Ivanka. They’re the guilty ones. I only wanted to visit Netanyahu in Israel and eat a potato knish.” This just in, the grifters are heading for the last roundup. Film at II.
Earlier in the week, former national security adviser, and man who perfected the permanent sneer in second grade, Michael Flynn, pled guilty to the United States District Court for lying to the FBI. Our sources tell us that Flynn threw himself on the mercy of the court to save his son, pizza-gate conspirator, Michael Flynn Jr. In his statement to the high court, General Flynn asked the judge to pardon his son and allow Michael to resume his work in Russia with Vladimir Putin. “If you pardon my son, Michael,” Flynn told the district court. “He will have the opportunity to work for an established Oligarchy, rather than ours which is a work in progress.” In a disconnected segue, on Wednesday Temporary President Trump managed to dishonor women, World War II veterans, and native Americans all in one fell swoop. The Native American veterans were being honored for saving lives by using the Navaho language as code. During the ceremony, Trump referred to Senator Elizabeth Warren as “Pocahontas.” Fortunately, the veterans were so old they couldn’t hear the President’s ridiculous statement. Unfortunately, once again the rest of the country was subjected to listening to Trump’s infantile twaddle, god awful gibber jabber, and meanspirited poppycock. Film at eleven.
We begin with temporary President Trump’s former campaign manager, Paul Manafort; dirty trickster, conspirator, or merely a despicable turd with a Hair Club for Men’s clinging toupee? Once again, Manafort takes center stage via the plethora of lies he spewed out during his recent testimony with the FBI. Manafort’s fabrications regarding his collusions with the Russians were uncovered by chief council, and man who played the part of Lurch in the situation comedy “The Adam’s Family” Mr. Robert Mueller. Mueller is doubling down on Manafort and his cronies in an effort to root out the kingpin at the top of the fetid food chain, Donald J. Trump. In a recent statement to the press, Mueller said and I quote: “We’re closing in on the grifters occupying the White House; hang in there decent Americans, our national embarrassment is coming to an end.” In a related story, Trump’s administration was officially deemed an abysmal failure by his own base. Millions of former Trump supporters are coming forward and asking for clemency. Our Hollywood correspondent, Juanita Conquest, recently spoke with former Trump follower, and fading thespian, Bruce Willis. Willis said and I quote: “I ingested a bad batch of mushrooms before I went on The Tonight Show and told Jimmy Fallon that Trump was doing a good job.” Willis added, “Next to Donald Trump I’m the biggest douche bag on the planet; seriously, I’m a bloody idiot.” Yet again, it’s wonderful to see more Trumpeters coming to their senses and … This just in, Judge Roy Bean Moore is still a horrible specimen of human being. Film at eleven.
Our sources learned that Alabama Senate contender, and man banned from the Gadsden Mall by Paul Blart Mall Cop, Judge Roy Bean Moore, has gone into hiding. The alleged child molester is taking cover in a replica of the rat hole where Sadam Hussain was discovered during the Iraq War. Moore told reporters, and I quote: “Down here in the rat hole, I’m just another dirt bag surrounded by actual dirt bags.” Unsurprisingly, Norwegian Rats living alongside Moore have been voluntarily eating poison and leaping into traps rather than share the space with him. In a breaking news story out of Washington, Donald Trump Jr. is only moments away from finding out what Justice Department handcuffs feel like when they’re tightening around his limp wrists. “If the feds get any closer,” Trump Jr. told reporters. “I’ll be joining Judge Moore in his cozy rat hole underground.” Adding to his statement, Donald Jr. said, and I quote: “I only colluded with the Russians because I’m a stupid douche bag like my father. Dad just wanted to build a hotel in Red Square and be the King of America, is that so bad?” This just in, after Sara Huckabee Sanders’ yearly White House physical, doctors revealed that in place of a heart, they discovered a jagged chunk of black coal. Film at eleven.
First daughter, and woman who has her high heels cobbled together by moppets in China, Ivanka Trump, recently weighed in on the sexual misconduct of Alabama’s Senate contender, Judge Roy Bean Moore. Taking to her twitter account, Ivanka said, and I quote: “There is a special place in hell for political figures who prey upon Children.” Ivanka neglected mention that normally that ranking is reserved for the clergy who pray for their parishioners while preying on their parishioner’s children. The first daughter also forgot to note that decent Americans have been in their own special hell since her father took office. In a related story, Jared Kushner is in hot water with the Department of Justice, accused of not disclosing his ties to WikiLeaks’s Julian Assange and the Russian connection. Once more, Ivanka chimed in on twitter, stating: “My husband may be guilty of a lot of things, including being a colossal dullard with a wretched sense of humor, having a grating high-pitched voice that sounds like Kermit the Frog on helium, and a total washout in the sack, but he’s too dimwitted to orchestrate treason against the United States; then again, I may be wrong.” This just in, clearly Ivanka is wrong. Film at eleven.
In the ongoing battle for the soul of America, the 84th Attorney General, and evil leprechaun who tries to steal the pot of gold at the end of a rainbow, Jeff “I don’t recall” Sessions, testified in front of the Congressional Judiciary Committee. Lacking the moral fiber to answer questions honestly, Sessions’ meandering tongue flip-flopped across his teeth and gums like the character, Tommy Two-Times, in the mob-classic, Goodfellas. When Senator Jackson Lee asked the Attorney General about his conversation with George “Spanakopita” Papadopoulos and the Russian connection, Mr. Sessions shifted from side to side as though he was sitting on a chair with a broken spring. Oddly enough, at the end of the inquiry, Sessions’ tiny pointy ears began fluttering like a guava bat racing from a cave in Peru and he sailed out the door. In a related story, Temporary President Trump’s first born male child, and man who has the kind of face that begs to be slapped, Donald Trump Jr., was caught lying to the FBI about his connection to Wikileaks and the Russians. When the Justice Department asked Trump Jr. why he lied, the President’s son appeared to have a nervous breakdown. Like a man suffering from Turrets syndrome, Donald Jr. shouted in a voice reminiscent of a gangster from an old timey film in the 1930’s. “O.K. G-Men, ya got me, yeah, see,” Junior bellowed. “I guess the fruit doesn’t fall far from the tree, yeah, see. I’m a lying piece of garbage; take me to the Big house.” While being led form the hearing, apparently Donny called out for his mommy. This just in, Tiffany Trump has been missing for three weeks and nobody cares. Film at eleven.
In a recent study by the American Psychiatric Association, doctors revealed that if Temporary President Trump had a twin brother, rather than one of the siblings being good and the other evil, both twins would be morons with an IQ of a baked potato sans sour cream and chives. The head of research at the APA, Dr. Brad Pittman, said, and I quote: “Even if twin Trumps melded their brains together, they still wouldn’t have the Intelligence Quotient of a subterranean Mir cat or a leaping gerbil.” In a related story, Judge Roy Bean Moore continues to refute allegations of pedophilia. The judge told reporters, and I quote: “Geeze, you date a few fourteen-year-old girls when you’re in your thirties and everyone bites your head off. Where I come from, if you’re not dating a fourteen-year-old, you’re courting your cousin who is also fourteen.” This just in, our sources recently learned that before retiring for the evening, Vice President Pence sings the Battle Hymn of the Republic with a dill pickle in each nostril and his wife’s panties draped across his head. Film at eleven.