Amidst the current Government shutdown, DACA deadline, and impending child healthcare closure, our sources learned that Temp. President Trump found the time to play eighteen holes of golf, bringing the total number of times Mr. Trump has spent on the golf course since his inauguration to 95. When a team of numerical analysts at M.I.T. factored in Mr. Trump’s regular days off, his vacation time, and his workday beginning at 11 and ending at 11:30, the President has in fact worked a total of four and a half days, and three and a half of those days were spent firing Anthony Scaramucci. In a related story, while millions of men and women around the world commemorated Holocaust Remembrance Day, the President spent the day on his golf course in New Jersey. The thoughtless chutzpah on the part of the Temporary President was amplified, because the golf course is restricted. This just in, a member of the White House staff, Mr. Perry White, revealed that he recently witnessed Mr. Trump twirling one strand of hair around his head for forty-five minutes, giving him the appearance of having a full head of hair. Mr. White added, and I quote, “Donald Trump is completely bald like his National Security Advisor, H.R. McMasters. In fact, the two hairless men often put their heads together and make an ass out of themselves.” Film at eleven.
Well, it is official ladies and gentlemen. Our sources across America and around the globe have confirmed the question everyone has been asking since temporary President Trump rode down the escalator in Trump Tower and threw his “Make America Hate Again” hat into the ring. That question, of course, whether Mr. Trump is in fact a racist, xenophobic, intolerant, narrow-minded, loser. Well, in light of his unseemly words this week on the topic of our neighbors and friends in Africa and Haiti, the evidence is crushingly and indisputably conclusive. Without a shadow of a doubt, President Shithole is exactly what he appears to be, a card carrying racist douche bag. Incidentally, if temporary Trump’s despicable behavior doesn’t offend you, you are a bigot as well, but of course you already knew that. In a related story, Sara Huckabee Sanders, Kellyanne Conway, and Jared Kushner formed an acapella group and will perform next month at the Saint Valentine’s and Single’s Awareness Day jamboree on the White House lawn. They dubbed their little trio, “Two Heartless Bitches and a Dicknose.” Film at eleven.
We begin with Temporary President Trump’s approaching physical examination administered by his personal physician, Dr. Vinny Boom Bots. Doctor Boom Bots told our sources that he will be taking Trump’s temperature, examining his cholesterol, blood pressure, and checking to see if Mr. Trump in fact has a heart. The doctor added that he will not be checking Trump’s prostate during the examination. The doctor told reporters, and I quote: “The last time I checked Mr. Trump’s prostate, I lost a pair of latex gloves, two gold rings, and a Rolex watch my wife gave me for Christmas.” In a related story, Mr. Trump will be playing the part of Ebenezer Scrooge at the White House Christmas party. In Trump’s version of the Dickens’ tale, when Ebenezer Scrooge is visited by the three spirits played by Jared Kushner, Kellyanne Conway, and Sara Huckabee Sanders, he bashes their heads in with a fruitcake President Eisenhower left as a doorstop in 1952. Then, President Scrooge fires Bob Cratchit Mueller, pardons General Flynn, and takes away Tiny Tim’s health care and Timmy’s only remaining crutch. Without health care and his crutch, the sickly lad gets influenza and dies out in the cold. God help us, everyone. Film at eleven.