We begin with temporary President Trump’s former campaign manager, Paul Manafort; dirty trickster, conspirator, or merely a despicable turd with a Hair Club for Men’s clinging toupee? Once again, Manafort takes center stage via the plethora of lies he spewed out during his recent testimony with the FBI. Manafort’s fabrications regarding his collusions with the Russians were uncovered by chief council, and man who played the part of Lurch in the situation comedy “The Adam’s Family” Mr. Robert Mueller. Mueller is doubling down on Manafort and his cronies in an effort to root out the kingpin at the top of the fetid food chain, Donald J. Trump. In a recent statement to the press, Mueller said and I quote: “We’re closing in on the grifters occupying the White House; hang in there decent Americans, our national embarrassment is coming to an end.” In a related story, Trump’s administration was officially deemed an abysmal failure by his own base. Millions of former Trump supporters are coming forward and asking for clemency. Our Hollywood correspondent, Juanita Conquest, recently spoke with former Trump follower, and fading thespian, Bruce Willis. Willis said and I quote: “I ingested a bad batch of mushrooms before I went on The Tonight Show and told Jimmy Fallon that Trump was doing a good job.” Willis added, “Next to Donald Trump I’m the biggest douche bag on the planet; seriously, I’m a bloody idiot.” Yet again, it’s wonderful to see more Trumpeters coming to their senses and … This just in, Judge Roy Bean Moore is still a horrible specimen of human being. Film at eleven.
Our sources learned that Alabama Senate contender, and man banned from the Gadsden Mall by Paul Blart Mall Cop, Judge Roy Bean Moore, has gone into hiding. The alleged child molester is taking cover in a replica of the rat hole where Sadam Hussain was discovered during the Iraq War. Moore told reporters, and I quote: “Down here in the rat hole, I’m just another dirt bag surrounded by actual dirt bags.” Unsurprisingly, Norwegian Rats living alongside Moore have been voluntarily eating poison and leaping into traps rather than share the space with him. In a breaking news story out of Washington, Donald Trump Jr. is only moments away from finding out what Justice Department handcuffs feel like when they’re tightening around his limp wrists. “If the feds get any closer,” Trump Jr. told reporters. “I’ll be joining Judge Moore in his cozy rat hole underground.” Adding to his statement, Donald Jr. said, and I quote: “I only colluded with the Russians because I’m a stupid douche bag like my father. Dad just wanted to build a hotel in Red Square and be the King of America, is that so bad?” This just in, after Sara Huckabee Sanders’ yearly White House physical, doctors revealed that in place of a heart, they discovered a jagged chunk of black coal. Film at eleven.
First daughter, and woman who has her high heels cobbled together by moppets in China, Ivanka Trump, recently weighed in on the sexual misconduct of Alabama’s Senate contender, Judge Roy Bean Moore. Taking to her twitter account, Ivanka said, and I quote: “There is a special place in hell for political figures who prey upon Children.” Ivanka neglected mention that normally that ranking is reserved for the clergy who pray for their parishioners while preying on their parishioner’s children. The first daughter also forgot to note that decent Americans have been in their own special hell since her father took office. In a related story, Jared Kushner is in hot water with the Department of Justice, accused of not disclosing his ties to WikiLeaks’s Julian Assange and the Russian connection. Once more, Ivanka chimed in on twitter, stating: “My husband may be guilty of a lot of things, including being a colossal dullard with a wretched sense of humor, having a grating high-pitched voice that sounds like Kermit the Frog on helium, and a total washout in the sack, but he’s too dimwitted to orchestrate treason against the United States; then again, I may be wrong.” This just in, clearly Ivanka is wrong. Film at eleven.
In the ongoing battle for the soul of America, the 84th Attorney General, and evil leprechaun who tries to steal the pot of gold at the end of a rainbow, Jeff “I don’t recall” Sessions, testified in front of the Congressional Judiciary Committee. Lacking the moral fiber to answer questions honestly, Sessions’ meandering tongue flip-flopped across his teeth and gums like the character, Tommy Two-Times, in the mob-classic, Goodfellas. When Senator Jackson Lee asked the Attorney General about his conversation with George “Spanakopita” Papadopoulos and the Russian connection, Mr. Sessions shifted from side to side as though he was sitting on a chair with a broken spring. Oddly enough, at the end of the inquiry, Sessions’ tiny pointy ears began fluttering like a guava bat racing from a cave in Peru and he sailed out the door. In a related story, Temporary President Trump’s first born male child, and man who has the kind of face that begs to be slapped, Donald Trump Jr., was caught lying to the FBI about his connection to Wikileaks and the Russians. When the Justice Department asked Trump Jr. why he lied, the President’s son appeared to have a nervous breakdown. Like a man suffering from Turrets syndrome, Donald Jr. shouted in a voice reminiscent of a gangster from an old timey film in the 1930’s. “O.K. G-Men, ya got me, yeah, see,” Junior bellowed. “I guess the fruit doesn’t fall far from the tree, yeah, see. I’m a lying piece of garbage; take me to the Big house.” While being led form the hearing, apparently Donny called out for his mommy. This just in, Tiffany Trump has been missing for three weeks and nobody cares. Film at eleven.
In a recent study by the American Psychiatric Association, doctors revealed that if Temporary President Trump had a twin brother, rather than one of the siblings being good and the other evil, both twins would be morons with an IQ of a baked potato sans sour cream and chives. The head of research at the APA, Dr. Brad Pittman, said, and I quote: “Even if twin Trumps melded their brains together, they still wouldn’t have the Intelligence Quotient of a subterranean Mir cat or a leaping gerbil.” In a related story, Judge Roy Bean Moore continues to refute allegations of pedophilia. The judge told reporters, and I quote: “Geeze, you date a few fourteen-year-old girls when you’re in your thirties and everyone bites your head off. Where I come from, if you’re not dating a fourteen-year-old, you’re courting your cousin who is also fourteen.” This just in, our sources recently learned that before retiring for the evening, Vice President Pence sings the Battle Hymn of the Republic with a dill pickle in each nostril and his wife’s panties draped across his head. Film at eleven.
We begin with the latest developments regarding the administration’s chaotic presidency teetering on the edge of the abyss. On Friday, White House Press Secretary and former disgruntled cashier sucking on a Slim Jim at the 98-cent store, Sara Huckabee Sanders, defended accused pedophile, Judge Roy Moore. Spinning the disturbing narrative, Sanders said, and I quote: “A mere allegation of sexual impropriety isn’t enough to condemn Judge Moore. In fact, I recently sat on his lap at the White House Halloween party in the Oval Office. Granted, I felt something rigid in his pants, but the Judge assured me it was only the Alka-Seltzer bottle where he keeps his Viagra.” “Besides,” Sara added, “Judge Moore wears a white cowboy hat and everyone knows they’re only worn by the good guys.” In a related story, Temporary President Trump’s approval rating is waning faster than an ice cream cone in the hands of Chris Christie. Over the weekend, our reporters spoke with former Trump supporter, Martha Kleege, from Steubenville, Ohio. When asked about her change of heart, Martha said: “Donald Trump is a painful pimple on the nose of America. The incompetent bag-o-nuts recently kissed-up to Vladimir Putin while throwing his own CIA agents under the Access Hollywood Bus where he boasted about grabbing women’s hoo-hahs.” Harsh words perhaps; nonetheless, it is encouraging to hear former Trump supporters … This just in, once again Kellyanne Conway was seen taking the 9:20 broom to Hades alongside Sara Huckabee Sanders. Film at eleven.
On his recent trip to Asia, Temporary President Trump arrived late to a meeting with Chinese President Chi. Mr. Trump was delayed because he was touring the factory in Beijing where he bought the steel he used to construct Trump Tower. He also fell behind schedule after visiting several sweatshops in Shanghai where underpaid workers make his suits, shirts, ties, socks, underwear, cufflinks, “Make America Hate Again” hats, and custom-made kid gloves for his tiny hands. On the home front, special council, and second cousin once removed from TV’s celebrated sit-com personality Herman Munster, Robert Mueller, recently handed down several key-player indictments. The first indictment on the subject of collusion